Imperfectly Beautiful

By Sara Curran

Dear Friend, my story is shared with the intent of encouragement. Hope. Redemption. 2015. What a year. Kyle and I had finally come to the decision to start the process of growing our family, since we were in a bigger house and we were ready. In early June 2015, I saw a positive pregnancy test. A few tears, a smile, and a giddy laugh made it a memorable evening. I had nausea before the positive test, a craving for pickles and pepperoni, and tired as could be. We were off to a great start.

I noticed my symptoms waning within a couple days of our news and 6 days after finding out, I started to spot. I didn't think much of that, since I had problems with my first pregnancy. I called the doctor's office and was told to come in the following day for blood work. My numbers were low, but still in an appropriate range. She gave me instruction in case I passed the baby over the weekend. I'll never forget how brash and matter-of-fact her words were. I hung up. Tears.

I was put on pelvic rest for the weekend. I didn't get out of bed much. I would have random bouts of hopelessness and tears, followed by confidence that everything was fine. I remember breaking down to my husband, weeping, saying "I don't want to lose this baby". His embrace comforted me for the moment, but I felt fear always creeping back in.

Monday came, and another blood test. What seemed like forever passed again before there were results. I met with the doctor and she let us know of 3 possibilities. 1. Early pregnancy and cyst, maybe my dates were off 2. Miscarriage 3. Abnormal pregnancy/ectopic. We set up another blood draw for later that week.

I went home and will never forget a life altering moment I experienced. I was taking a shower. Angry. I had tears streaming down my face. I felt betrayed and abandoned. I yelled at God. I told Him how mean He was. I pounded my fists against that shower wall as if I was beating against His chest pleading my case. I said "you're mean" one last time, and my anger began to dissolve in defeat. My fists slid against the tile as I fell slowly to my knees. I uttered the words, "but I can't do this without you." A feeling of peace and calm washed over me. I had a strength I didn't know I could possess. This journey looked a lot different for me after that point. I knew that no matter how angry I was; He loved me through my pain.

I was told to go to the emergency room if I had persistent pain on my right side. We ended up making a trip the next day as my pain increased. I was calm which was was out of character. I laid in the hospital bed, being questioned and tested. The on-call OB arrived and confirmed the early suspicion of having an ectopic pregnancy. I was in no danger or in need of medical intervention immediately, so I was sent home. Our car climbed the last hill before we turned into our country home's driveway. We stepped out of the car and there was the northern lights. I was staring out in amazement as I decided to give my baby a name. Aurora, after the Aurora Borealis. I needed my baby to have an identity. Even though we had a short time together, this child was mine. 

Friday came. Last set of tests. The pregnancy was not viable and needed to be taken care of. It became a medical concern before I could truly mourn my child. We were give two options: Methotrexate, or surgery.  We couldn't bear the thought of choosing to end a child's life, even though it would save mine. The doctor entered the room once again and we told her our fears. She tried to comfort us in the fact that regardless, the "pregnancy" would never make it. That still didn't make our decision easier. As a parent, one of your most important jobs is to protect your children. I didn't have an option to protect this one, and I felt so helpless. Through tears, we decided on surgery and had one of my ovaries removed.

I took a couple days to recover at home. I was still numb from the events of the last couple weeks. The emotion of what I experienced hadn't fully set in. The emotional journey was different than I expected. I had a lot of unexpected tears. I couldn't look at other's babies. I had a tearful breakdown in Target looking for diapers for my son. Seeing those strollers really got me. 

We were able to start the process all over again in September 2015. I found ONE person in all my research that was able to conceive after having one of their ovaries removed. ONE. I was trying to prepare myself that I might not be able to experience having another child. If I was ever able to again, it could potentially be a while. September came and went, no baby.

October came and it was almost time to find out. I was impatient; so I took a test early. I knew it would be negative.I delayed going back to look, avoiding the inevitable. I was preparing my heart to handle what I knew I was going back to see. I kept repeating, "Allow God to be bigger than my circumstance." Over. And over. I walked back to the bathroom. It was positive.

Three feet away from where I fell in defeat months before, I fell once again to my knees. I sobbed. Uncontrollably. "Thank you, thank you... thank you." I composed myself and left that room with confidence and an understanding that my God has never failed me, and He never will. If nothing in my story inspires you, please take something from this. During the valley of my struggle, the Lord taught me:

No matter how hard I try to plan my life, and no matter how badly I want to be in control of everything that happens, I can't. I can't escape the hardships of life. He promised me He would carry me, and walk through any battle I face. He'll hold me when I feel like falling, He will strengthen me where I feel weak, and He will give me peace when everything else feels like it’s crumbling. 

I've had two mothers tell me that if it wasn't for their loss, they wouldn't have the next child in line, and oh! How could they not imagine life with out their next child. I may not have had been able to meet that baby, but because I couldn't, I get to meet the one currently wiggling inside of me. My miracle. My promise. God's gift.

Isaiah 43:1-3 "...'Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you… When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior..."

We are so honored to share this beautiful story! It has been significantly edited, you can read the full story here.