Heart Changed, Desire Restored
-Jennifer Brooks-
Mine is not a testimony of infertility, but one of God's faithfulness. As a young girl and even into early adulthood, I had a strong desire to be married and have a family. Unfortunately, through a series of unhappy circumstances the enemy tried to steal my desire away bit by bit. It began with my parents divorcing when I was 9 years old. It was an unpleasant divorce and it left me very wounded and hurting. The enemy used this divorce to plant a negative image of men and of marriage in my heart. Each time an expectation went unmet by my father bitterness began to take root. Every time I witnessed a male figure not measuring up to what I thought was the way men should love their wife or children the bitterness grew.
I finally came to a point in my late teen years where I would even say I never wanted to be married if "this is the way men truly are."
During this time, although we attended church, I did not have a personal relationship with Jesus and felt very lost and alone; very bitter and angry although I did not realize it at the time. I began searching to make the hurt "feel better" and to have my deep emotional need to be loved met by all the wrong things. Boyfriends who were not godly men, alcohol, partying etc. all of this just left me feeling emptier and emptier. After a few years of this, I let myself become involved with a man who was not in any way the right person for me. Having been raised in a Christian home, I knew that this was not the right way or the right person for me but I had turned away from God's ways and was going to "make" my own dreams come true. Deep down I knew it wasn’t right, but was still trying to fulfill my dream of getting married and having a family. After 3 years in this relationship I felt the loneliest I had ever felt. Even though I was "with" someone, I was really in it alone. I felt horrible inside for violating my own sense of right and wrong, going against what I knew in my heart to be true-this was wrong and I would be better off single.
This is when it all began to change. I was in Colorado visiting family for Christmas and during one of my drives through the mountains I clearly heard what I just knew to be God's voice. He said that if I ended that relationship and stuck with him, I would never regret it. The feeling that it was God speaking to me was so strong that I had no doubt in my mind what I was going to do when I came home from that trip. It was one of the most difficult things I had ever done, but I ended the relationship. It was this act of obedience to God that started my path to healing.
Over the next 4 years my life radically changed. I started attending church, volunteering at a crisis pregnancy center and growing in my personal relationship with God. Little by little he began teaching me the truth of his word, my identity in Christ, and how to rely only on Him to meet all of my needs. During this time, Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the lord and he will give you the desires of your heart" became very real to me.
It was after He healed many of my hurts and wounds that he brought my now wonderful husband into my life. We have been happily married for 8 years and have 2 beautiful daughters.
God restored my desire for a family and is showing us how to do it His way. He faithfully redeemed the years the enemy stole. I praise God every day for His faithfulness and for not leaving me even when I most deserved it!
Lauren here! I can't even express to you how amazing this woman is. I am so privileged to have had her as a friend and leader in my life. She's one of those ladies who cuts past the small talk to get to know you. She's a positive thinker with an honest and open heart. The kind of friend you can chat with for two hours and think only 20 minutes has gone by.
So often those of us struggling with infertility forget that the dream of children doesn't necessarily start when we get married, or when we begin charting our cycles, or when we walk out of our first fertility procedure.
I think those of us in the Christian TTC Community take for granted that we already have that first major check mark on our list- marriage. We should be embracing and encouraging those who desire a family but are patiently waiting on the Lord to direct them to the right mate! If you have a friend who isn't married yet who desires a family and is struggling with it in any way- call her, write her, meet with her and encourage her!! I'm a huge advocate for planting seeds in the area we want harvest. So plant a seed with a single friend who desires exactly what you want but is waiting on a husband. No, she may never "struggle" with infertility, but she's waiting for her family to grow too.
I hope that if you're the one waiting for a spouse, that you would find encouragement from Jennifer's story. You are doing a great job! I know it must feel so hard to wait! Keep it up, because it won't be long before you're encouraging others and are trying to conceive yourself! God wants you to have the desires of your heart, and one day you will be fruitful in the area of fertility and see your family grow!
